Okay…almost 8 weeks into this parenting thing with Samuel Liberty aka Little Browne, and the only words that come to mind are “WTF???”
That’s right! This is the strangest, coolest, most messed up, beautiful experience I’ve ever had in my life and I need to vent about a few things.
Here’s my list of WTFs:
– After 40 years of being the boss of my own body, I have NOT been the one in charge for almost a year. That sucks.
– Why is baby poop so interesting???
– Who the hell thinks it’s cool to wake up every 2-4 hours at night? I mean, it’s not like that bottle of formula is THAT tasty, right?
– My 6-pack is gone, and may never return. This is my new personal challenge…the quest for a 6-pack. If I can’t find it sometime soon in CrossFit, I’ll go to BevMo and get me one (or two)!
– How can something so small and cute produce so many bodily fluids all at one time? I just witnessed burps, spit-up, farting, poop, sneezing and a huge booger all in the span of 6 minutes. Pull it together, little man! Chicks don’t dig that shit!
– Breastfeeding is strange to me. There, I said it. I like formula, so does Sammy.
– What is with this spontaneous and meaningless crying? Yes, Yes, I know, they communicate that way. I’m just wondering what he’s trying to tell us when we’ve exhausted ALL avenues to comfort him and yet he still “communicates” to us for an hour most evenings. I sure hope he translates what the hell all that meant once he can use his big boy words.
– Our parents used to put whiskey on our gums and in our bottles to calm us; who’s idea was it to stop that tradition?
– Who knew that babies had to learn to relax their sphincter so they can poop properly? Nobody told us this until we called the Doctor, frantic because he was turning red and straining for hours like he might die. Oh, you mean the pooper doesn’t come ready to work? There’s a learning curve there. Great. Thanks, God.
– Last but definitely not least; who knew one little being could provide so much love and joy? And he even looks like us!