I’m too busy to think about that right now. I don’t have time to sit here and wait for you to finish this bowl of food. I wish he would go to sleep so I could get some work done. I wish he would wake up so I could go run those errands. I can’t wait until he’s older and he’s more independent. I wish he could bathe and dress himself. I wish he could speak English so I knew what in the hell was wrong. I wish this phase would end.
Parents are assholes.
Not all of them, but lots of them. The funniest thing about being a parent though is that YOU have a choice and the kid does not. If you don’t like kids don’t have sex. Seems like pretty basic logic to me or have we really slid that far down the totem pole of common sense?
My point in saying any of this is not to rail against you, it’s to remind me. I’ve had a great couple of days with Sammy so far this week, but yesterday it was for more interesting reasons. It was one of those days where I hit another plateau (that’s what I call hitting another level of understanding, like an epiphany) and a great amount of understanding rushed over me. It was one of the most peaceful days I’ve had in at least a couple of weeks, possibly longer.
The epiphany came from the fact that I continue to prioritize and re-prioritize the things in my life. I want a greater understanding of who I am and how I tick so I can not only live a less chaotic life but so I can be a better person for Sammy and Annie.
I’ve had a lot to think about since Annie went back to work after maternity leave. I found myself being a work from home dad four days per week and owner of four businesses in Paso Robles. Being a minimalist in training I got rid of two of those businesses in the hopes it would remove more from my plate and to some degree it did. Now I am in the works on planning the end to my painting company or at least making it a “micro business” rather than the main focus.
What I realized yesterday was how much my painting company anchors me down…in a bad way. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and stresses me out due to scheduling, deadlines, all the free work I do from bidding to driving all around, and so on. The sack of common sense that smacked me in the face yesterday was that Sammy is more important than my online poker school business and he deserves better from me.
He doesn’t deserve to learn my stress and deal with it. he doesn’t deserve my short temper because I am stressed about my painting company, and neither does Annie. I’m willing to change my world to make me better for them.Â Luckily I had started doing some online work several years back when the economy kind of pimp slapped my business so I had somewhere else to lean.
I’m not a crazy smart guy but I’m industrious, and when I am backed into a corner I will make things happen. In this case I have allowed my business to take “life” away from me. Many years back it became the only thing worth thinking about. It became the focal point of our house because it was that big of a cancer on our lives. So we started making changes and each one of those changes has slowly and steadily taken the stress away.
Now it’s time for the final curtain call.
The motivation is two fold, on one hand I am just over this type of business and I am ready to transition full time into these other lines of work I have been building. The other much more important thing is this realization that I chose to be a dad. Sammy did not show up at our door looking for a place to stay. He didn’t hit me up on Facebook or Twitter and ask if he could move in. Annie and I made the decision and although you never realize just how monumental of a decision that is until the baby is here…I still made the decision.
Babies (kids) deserve the best we can give. They deserve more tomorrow than what you gave them today. They deserve your full attention and love without your own stupid hang ups. Is this hard? Of course, but it is not an option. If you can’t let go of your crap, your past, your cycles of stupidity, then you should not have kids. If changes need to take place then man (or woman) up and handle it. If that means you need to move, go to anger management, or find a new line of work that better fits your life…DO IT!
We all see so much hate and pain in this world. I can’t help but think that this is partially due to kids growing up with no love in their lives. I can’t help but think it has something to do with how back asswards our priorities are. It’s time to make the changes needed and give something to our kids that costs no money whatsoever…love. I will not be great at this everyday but I will fight like hell to get better at it.