This Is My Life

Looking back at getting pregnant and having Sammy is quite difficult at this point. In some ways it seems like it all happened yesterday but in many other ways I feel so far removed from it that I feel like I don’t remember much. On the other hand though, it feels like I remember a lot.

I remember how I felt when Annie first said she was pregnant. I remember how I was ecstatic and scared out of my mind all at the same time. There was also that part of me that simply could not take in that fact…surreal. I’m going to be a dad?

I remember that weekend when we had the miscarriage. Annie had been acting strange and told me how she had been feeling and about the bleeding…I could not take ownership of anything at that point. I didn’t know whether to be mad, upset, or calm. She went to the doctor after the weekend and it was confirmed…miscarriage. My response was that it happened for a reason and that we need to focus on what we have control over, which was moving forward and trying to get pregnant again.

I’m not sure if I ever dealt with the feelings of the miscarriage or if I truly was able to move on.

I remember when Annie came to me and said she was pregnant for the second time and how we both seemed hesitant and in some ways fearful. The miscarriage obviously left its imprint on us. I remember not wanting to marinate in that situation though.

I remember making it a few days and then a few weeks and then a couple of months…no miscarriage. About the time I/ we seemed to gain some confidence in this pregnancy going the distance we get blind sided with talk of “high risk pregnancy”, possible Down Syndrome, and other concerns.

I remember going to Salinas for some testing. I remember getting the results and I remember crying due to the good results. I remember the stress, the endless hours of conversation, and loss of sleep.

I remember looking forward to each doctor visit where we would get to see an ultrasound of this little boy. It was all I had in the form of connection really. Annie was holding him inside and helping him grow…I waited nine months to hold him. Those ultrasounds were kind of a life line for me.

I remember the doctors saying Sammy was breach. I remember going in so they could attempt to turn him around externally. I remember that being one of the hardest things I have ever watched. I also remember Annie being in some pain but handling it better than me…what’s new.

I remember stopping that procedure and just scheduling a c-section. Now we had his birth date. I remember leading up to the c-section everything seemed so surreal and out of body. We moved into a new house which kept us both busy but it was also peacefully chaotic…very strange feeling.

I remember the night before the c-section and the morning of…the nerves, the jitters, the anticipation, the butterflies were more like pterodactyls. I remember wanting this to happen so badly but also wanting to run away as fast as I could. I was scared. How can I do this? I can’t be a dad. I’m not good enough. I’m not qualified enough.

I remember them taking Annie away from me and feeling more helpless than I have in my entire life. I remember them finally letting me into the room and setting me by Annie’s head so they could begin the c-section.

I remember being scared to f^%$ing death. I remember shaking. I remember tears and snot soaking into the mask they had me wear. I remember seeing Annie lying there with all this medical stuff going on around us and feeling so tired and out of breath.

I remember them tugging on Annie’s belly which made her head move to and worrying that something was wrong. I remember thinking I heard a baby cry but it stopped. I remember that scared me…brings tears to my eyes as I write this.

I remember looking into Annie’s eyes and trying to reassure her that it was okay but deep down thinking it was not okay. And there it was…Sammy’s cry. I remember sobbing and smiling and wanting to see him.

I remember they led me over to his table…and I laid my eyes on my son for the first time. I remember being so bewildered and happy…but also mad that Annie didn’t see him first. You see, I don’t get into this conversation much and I don’t tell Annie nearly enough…but she did the most amazing thing that I have ever seen. She gracefully and willingly carried our boy for nine months…she did it in the most sincere, whole hearted, and accepting way.

There is nothing more amazing than the woman you love carrying and giving birth to your child…nothing.

I remember touching my son for the first time. I remember leaning down and when I whispered to him…he stopped crying and opened those huge, dark blue eyes. I remember cutting part of the cord that they had left on him.

I remember the nurse carrying Sammy over to Annie for the first time. I remember it being an awkward angle but Annie saw him…and I lost it all over again. Annie and Sammy were meant for each other and it’s not often you see that kind of thing first hand.

I remember them taking Sammy and I into the recovery room and feeling so angry and helpless that Annie was helpless. I remember the doctor telling me that Annie would be in about 20 or 30 minutes later. I remember that being the absolute longest 30 minutes of my life. I didn’t know if she was okay. I remember her coming in later than the doctor said but boy, when I saw her I could breathe again.

I remember her holding Sammy for the first time. No words can describe that.

This isn’t really a story about what I remember although it sounds that way. This is a story of having the privilege of watching Annie and Sammy. It’s a story about how some of the most enjoyable moments I have had are when I am the fly on the wall and can watch this innocent relationship between the two of them. It’s about watching someone like Annie go through a relatively stressful miscarriage, pregnancy, c-section, and recovery but do it without faltering. This is my life…and I’m trying to be better at loving it more.