And oh there are many. I suppose this is true with all things in life and life in general. They are those moments of enlightenment and greater understanding. In shortâ?¦itâ??s the moments we put two and two together and realize itâ??s four.
I remember back prior to Annie getting pregnant as well as during the pregnancy, everything about having a child just seemed far off in the distance. As if to be out on a boat and see the lighthouse on the shoreâ?¦that little spec of circling light way off in the distance. Fatherhood pretty much seemed like that.
Even as Annie got bigger and bigger, as Sammy grew inside her, there was nothing permanent or real about the situation. The fact that Annie wasnâ??t drinking alcohol anymore didnâ??t make the impending parenthood concrete to me, it simply meant I had a sober driver so I should take advantage.
There is simply nothing real, for me anyways, about being a dad until that 7 pound 11 ounce baby Jesus came out and said, â??Whatâ??s up?â? Looking back at the almost 18 months of being a father I realize itâ??s been a series of these kinds of moments.
The first time you can tell that they recognize you.
The first little toothless baby smile.
The first Buy Klonopin really unimaginably hideous diaper change.
The first newborn baby giggle.
The first time those amazingly tiny, soft baby fingers squeeze your finger.
The first cuddle.
The first time they roll over.
The first word spoken.
The first time they crawl.
The first step.
Each first brings an epiphany with it. Wrapped in awe and humility, those epiphanies stack up. One after the other. And whether you recognize it or not they change you. The world looks slightly different after each little epiphany. You start seeing a bigger picture and realizing your humble little spot in that big picture.
Sammy is my connection to this world when I am gone. My life line. Part of me will go on with him as past generations have gone on with me. There is a peace in that on some level but a sadness too. The realization that one day he wonâ??t need me like he needs me today. One day, he will stand out there in this big world by himself with only pieces of me in his heart and mind. Today I am defining whether those pieces will be good or bad.
Each day, each first, each new plateauâ?¦each epiphany. As much as he is changing, I am as well. Let the epiphanies keep on coming.