Fighting Through the “I Don’t Deserve This” Issue

Annie and I had an amazing night out last night, as we often do; we set out to meet up with a friend and through the evening ended up running into about 10 or 15 other people we know. I also had the opportunity to meet a couple of new people during the day and saw them that evening; they strike me as people that could become very cool new friends. It was a night like so many others when we go out.

My point to all this rambling is that I don’t deserve this life I have. I don’t deserve this army of amazing people in my life that are so diverse, brilliant, funny, and talented. I could go on for days about how involved, caring, and supportive the people in our lives are; it truly is unbelievable to me. Annie is only the most incredible person I know and without question she’s the one that unlocked all the doors in my world…and I don’t deserve that either.

Trust me, this isn’t a pity party or a poor me moment at all. It’s my journey, this is who I am… and I am trusting myself enough to write this and publish it.

So what is this about?

It’s about the journey, the path, the road that we each take…no two roads alike but the common denominator is that we are each on one. We have each felt hurt and pain that still lives inside and we’ve each felt joy (I hope) that was indescribable.

Some of us are living mundane journeys, some of us are hiding problems we are going through, some of us are wondering why things aren’t getting better, some of us are feeling alone, some of us can’t pick ourselves back up, some of us are tired…

…and some of us are living a content and happy life, some of us are upbeat and positive, some of us just found out some great news, some of us don’t have a worry in the world right now.

This is a tragically delicious road chock full of serendipity.

So why don’t I deserve this? I don’t know, it’s just how I feel sometimes; whether it was the words tossed my way growing up, the quiet neglect, or my own self image…or all three of these things, and I am sure that I’m not alone. One thing that has changed is my reaction to this thought of not deserving, and that is to not sabotage myself like I use to, and instead be in this moment here and now. I have been unable to rid myself of this personality glitch but I was able to change my perspective, I now use this glitch as a way to become far more appreciative of where I am rather than allow that glitch to disrupt the good.

So, this is not a sad tale, it’s one of personal growth and learning. We don’t always know what is happening beneath the waters, but to me that is where life is. I am on a journey within the journey to care less about the shiny exterior and more about the imperfect, distressed interior. Life is what happens when a ripple is made in those calm waters, life is what happens beneath the surface…and it starts with me. If I can grow and learn, shift perspectives, and be better every day for me, then that only makes Annie’s life better and those friends I spoke of earlier.

By doing what I’m doing to make me better, I am in turn making that world around me better for the people that choose to be in my community and allow me in theirs. Isn’t that the goal? To improve upon who we are and what we are doing?

A good analogy would be phones; they continue to improve, from the rotary phone I remember as a kid to the incredible smart phones we have today. As humans we should be doing the same thing…making tweaks and adjustments along the way to be better for ourselves and others, continuously making better “versions” of us. This will be my journey until I die, and there’s nothing I want more than to up the ante, push the limits, and continue to upgrade myself to the next version.

So, thanks to Annie for being so supportive of me while I am on this rather philosophical road, it’s one I veered away from for many years but it is where I am comfortable…and she helped me get back to it. I’m also super stoked to have my circle of friends, my community of cool people…you guys push me constantly and make me think. And even though I don’t feel worthy of all the “blow me outta the water” good shizzle in my life, I’ve learned to be okay with it and embrace it to some degree.

I hope you’re finding the path for yourself, with the right perspective and shifting it truly is amazing.

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